Down

I have been putting off writing anything new because I have been so down, I have no energy, and just want to sleep. I am working on 2 different articles but all I can think about is how tired I am. I like to write positive, uplifting, and (I hope) inspiring things, so being this sad I don’t want to share that. But then I thought, if this is all I can think about, maybe it would be helpful to others with chronic diseases, so that they know they are not alone.

I am not good at being sad, or down, it’s just not in my nature. I am a nurturer, I like taking care of everyone else, I do not like being taken care of myself. I just like to burrow into my nest of pillows and one light comforter and sleep. Being asked to do things makes me feel guilty, because I just don’t have the energy to do anything, or the desire, really.

Often when you try to explain this to people they assume you’re suicidal. I’m not. I still take great pleasure in life. It’s just that today it’s all from my bed, and maybe a book. I got out of bed today only to use the bathroom and take pain pills. Then I came here to do this, but am already exhausted, and will probably go back to bed very soon.

I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me, I do want people to understand that it’s not that I don’t care, or that I don’t want to do things, I just… can’t. I don’t call people because I don’t have anything cheery to say. I don’t email the people who need my help and input because I don’t have anything positive and inspirational to share with them right now. If I was happily married when I got sick I would expect support from that person now, I see no sense in starting a relationship being like this, it would not be fair, to anyone.

I miss being a nurse, I miss hiking, I miss having the energy to finish what I start. I have toyed with the idea of going back to school to enhance my nursing degree with administration and manage a nursing home, but honestly, if I don’t have the energy to take a shower school is a silly dream.

I get frustrated because this all started with a work injury 4 years ago and that is not settled yet. I have filed for disability and been turned down, I can’t even dress myself so that is very frustrating to me. I was told to apply for medical retirement from work by the employee doctor, I was fired while the paperwork was in process. All of this just makes me cry. I feel like I should be fighting but I am just too tired. I am currently waiting on a court date for disability, 12-18 months is the anticipated wait. I have no idea what will become of me in the meantime, it makes me tired and stressed out to think about it.

It’s hard to be positive when nothing changes, it’s hard to keep a smile on when you just want to cry, and doing anything but sleeping some days is just impossible. There are days I have to dig my faith up from the bottom and carry it, as it doesn’t always seem to fit me, I don’t lose faith, but I feel forgotten, and then I feel guilty because it’s probably a sin to feel that way. I also get tired of people trying to sell me things to try that will make me feel better. I have no money, no prospects, and that is not possible, and I am too tired to sell anything to make money to buy it.

There are no easy answers, but right now I am too tired to worry about it. I know there is more I wanted to say, but am too tired. The pain is not even the worst thing in my life. It’s the exhaustion. I am going back to bed. Be strong. Love peace & hugs…