Did you ever wonder what hurts a person? I bet you know how a person can hurt you. I am fairly sensitive, no, I am a big crier. My feelings get hurt fairly easy, and I can cry and be hurt for a long time. Not for no reason, but sometimes, maybe it’s a big reason for me, and not so much for the person that hurt me.
My most recent hurt is because I owe someone I love some money, and because of one thing or another I cannot pay her back yet, we discussed this, I said later I am apparently way more upset by this than she is, she was so cool about it, and I was all excited working out my budget to see I could give her some of it, when I had an email accusing me of lying and getting money behind her back and just not paying and I was stunned. I stayed up all night crying, at a loss of what to do.
Last week I made someone I love mad, so mad she will not talk to me. I told her I would be in a certain place at a certain time, I have been suffering from a lingering cold, went to a class, and slept the rest of the day, I didn’t mean to, I just did. At the beginning of my nap my phone was going off every 5 minutes or so and I was exhausted, so I turned it off, it wasn’t personal, I was sick and needed sleep.
Over a year ago I lost one of my best childhood friends, she totaled my car, both passenger doors, well really the whole passenger side was buckled. She didn’t want me to turn it into insurance, she said she would pay out of her pocket, but for weeks every time I brought it up she changed the subject or stopped talking to me for the day. My son and daughter-in-law were living with me at the time, she was almost 9 months pregnant, that was our only car, so eventually I had to turn it into insurance. After several mean and threatening emails I had to block her from Facebook and my life, I still love her, I just can’t open myself up to that kind of pain.
When my now ex-husband was beating my son and I found out I just left, with almost nothing, I would have stayed in a mistake of a marriage forever I think, I left to protect my baby boy, he went through years of hurt and anger at me because I didn’t leave sooner. I don’t know to this day how I didn’t realize what was going on, and maybe there was a part of me that was scared to know, scared to leave, scared to have two kids by myself to raise, I would not have hurt him for any amount of money, I would fight lions for my children, but I did. I hurt him. We went through family counseling and he forgave me, but we had a tough time during his teen years.
What I’m trying to get at is, we all hurt each other, sometimes because we don’t know the whole story, sometimes because we are quick to judge, maybe sometimes because that jerk cut us off in traffic and our boss didn’t like our ideas and we didn’t get the raise we hoped for, or whatever. It can be a multitude of reasons, but I like to think none of us cause pain to those we love on purpose. I know I cause hurt, sometimes by being wrapped up in my own life and my own problems, sometimes because I am scared and frustrated and that person is handy, I don’t like that about myself, but I know it’s true.
What can we do about it? Honestly, I need help here. I was crying my face off earlier, I am down to a slow leak now, but my daughter came to give me a hug because she thought I was worried, I try very hard not to worry much, I feel it’s the same as telling God I don’t trust Him to do what’s best for me. What is making me cry is plain old hurt. I thought I was being open and honest and apparently I didn’t make myself clear, as she is obviously hurt and struck out and now I hurt. I have been praying about this, and I thought if I wrote about it, it may be helpful, to clarify my thoughts, and maybe even, to help you.
I really believe hurt can be healed with love, I am praying for myself to be filled with love no matter what, to look for solutions instead of retreating hurt, and I am praying that those I love know that I would never hurt them on purpose, and I pray that they can be filled with love also. Hate and hurt only beget more hate and hurt. One of the hardest things to do is to look at someone who has made you cry and say, “I love you, let’s fix this,” but I promise you, it’s necessary. Love and forgiveness create more love and forgiveness, and if I am not feeling it back, I will sleep better tonight knowing I did everything in my power, and with love.