Falling (?) in Love


First of all I think “falling in love” is a silly thing to say. You can fall into mud, or a puddle, or a lake, or hay, or leaves, love is not that easy, nor that soft. I think it’s more of a lifting up process, because you feel it in your heart, your head, and your throat. I know I say I have never really been in love, by that I mean I have never experienced the lasting kind of love, the finish-your-sentences-laugh-at-each-other’s-jokes-still-find-passion-after-twenty-years-type thing, although I would like to, and I have fallen in love several times.

I fell deeply in love with both of my children, and my granddaughter, on our first meeting face to face, although I loved them already, the rush was different. With a romantic partner I have felt overwhelming rushes of tender feelings which I thought were love, it turned out to be maternal as they were immature and needed mothering. I would like to be a wife, or partner, not a mother.

I also say often that I love Sam Elliot and Viggo Mortenson, and I do, but I may not LIKE anything about them if I knew them personally. The kind of love I am trying to get at is the ultimate love, more like really good friends who understand each other, who “get it,” and who also can make your knees go weak with a kiss or a flutter in your belly with a hand on your neck.

I want that perfect love, and I think I deserve it, and I am pretty sure it’s different from anything I have had in the past. My last serious relationship was with a very good friend, people thought we were dating months before we started and for months after we broke up because we were so close and got along so well.  I remember one night sitting and talking to him and as he told me a story he choked up and got a tear in his eye and I thought for sure, this time, I was really in love. After a year of bending over backwards to try and make him happy we both realized that had changed me so much that neither one of us really liked me anymore. So I started over. Again.

I am a time junkie when it comes to relationships, I am aware of this, and I own it, not proudly, it is just one of those things I have accepted about myself and moved on. I was married to a man who was a workaholic and didn’t really like or respect me as a person, then I was with a man who owned a bar/restaurant so by necessity much of our time together was spent at work, often working, so a little bit of time means a lot to me, but I really want that little bit A LOT, as any man who has tried to date me and did not make it past the 3rd month/date can tell you.

So lately I have been experiencing an odd shift. This man that I know, I want to talk to him, hear his voice, but if he sounds tired I want him to get off the phone and rest. I am worried more about what he is getting from me than giving me. It’s an odd development. He is nothing like my own set of rules say he should be, and I am finding ways to make that work for me. Is it love? I don’t know. It will be fun finding out I’m sure. I’ll keep you posted. I won’t be  falling though, if it is, I will be running and jumping up to meet it.
About the author:
MamaSteph has 2 kids by birth and several by love, she is a nurse and enjoys finding healthier ways to make comfort foods, gardening, enjoying nature, and living life to the fullest…For a list of her blogs please click here.